I am a type of a complex personality and don't ask me why can't you change it ? Same as asking you to change your reaction to calm when you get surprised! I all my life don't consider my self a good person because I don't know what a good person looks like ?
All I know is every one I bump into in my life need something to satisfy their mentality except one person in my heart who is part of me in my life. So when I say satisfy I mean obligation of psychological battle to win on my behalf or I will get ruined! I will struggle and I do get exhausted but I know no one brings you joy in your life in general you must find it which I can't. But I do find joy from that only special person who is part of me who lighten up my life in my heart. So my brain works as follow it connects to my personality and I just give people what they want or what they want to hear since I hear no thing from them in general. I first thought I am not friendly enough or people think I am too shy as I had been told since young age but that was not it. I found out it is my energy competing with lower mentality energy which feel lower besides in general. So I decided to act stupid not within my nature I act humble and respectful but still didn't work. Then I found out it is my intelligence so I decided to lower my intelligence by acting on the same wave with the person I talk to so I copy their personality but still didn't work. Then I decided to mind my space to others but keep it friendly and general short conversation still didn't work. So I decided to be myself again and try to ignore the negativity and that got worse! Simply because negative people expand their crowd by me being quite since they don't see my power. So I decided finally to get a little of everything and make my own personality. So I walk around and I hear people gossiping and spreading rumors and I just proof my self to the public by the opposite of what they say. Then it usually doesn't end good by their side . So what they do is stalking you and find out what you like and who is nice to you then ruin it or get rid of them . I decided I am not going to keep that running down their way. I will do it my way. So I basically focus on scores and getting more that focusing on scores I might lose. And that works. I still can't be myself but I am in a war to survive and as long you fight you can have more people on the ground! So of course that's not in a real life just psychologically. People don't appreciate how you feel they just appreciate how they feel! And I always dreamt to live in the old days since negativity was a taboo not as today's world negativity is an icon of making the real one !
So my brain connected to my personality also drive me to unlimited opened doubts, events and predictions of what might happen and that's a struggle by itself if you have a brain like that. When I act like every one else by saying yes people still look at me differently then start creating their own negative thoughts. But I noticed something since I hear people and I feel their negative energy I found out that the positive people are decreasing in numbers. If some one was nice to me there is the people around who stare at us then next time the good people is not nice anymore. I don't go ask people what's wrong I personally think it is stupid and humiliating. Simply because the other person is showing a change to negativity because the negativity surroundings around him against me so at the end it is his own mental challenge to adjust it to negativity or positivity. I don't go to people and ask them please like me I just say what you don't like about me ? Then I answer their reasons but usually they say nothing wrong! That's what I learned you have to reframe how to talk to people instead talking from your heart to people who can't wait to open their negativity door to you! When they retell a story about me they highlight in their mind this sentence " how do you make her look bad" while my response in defense will be as " how bad do I really look compared to their unlimited kindness?" Not to run and defend myself since I am not bad I was framed as bad but I can get out that frame. And they will grind their jaws and have no thing to say. But what they didn't think about it is as follows " good always win for a reason which is good is relaxing mood to human nature. Now bad always lose because bad always fight good . But good never fight bad .that makes good ( The King) while bad is just running around good to make something out of his reputation as stupid try to correct it but he will remain as failure second hand.
I then decided to pray to God and enrich my spirit by doing more good to achieve my relaxation and I am happy now since I determined my path. But struggle never ends since negativity is expanding.
